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This is a collection of SMAC jokes I found in one of the official forums. I haven't changed it too much, so it still resembles the forum look. Authors are written in bold letters. Some of these jokes are good, some are not, they're here anyway.
SMAC jokes
Miriam and Deirdre were both attending the same party. The hostess came up to Deirdre and offered her a G&T.; Deirdre accepted. When Miriam was asked the same question she replied, "I'd rather commit adultery than allow liquor to pass my lips". Deirdre threw away her glass and said, "You mean we get a choice?"
Delgath. UoP.
-Where do you want to colonize today?
JAMstillAM
Miriam and Lal walked into a building. You'd think that one of them would have seen it.
Santiago and Deirdre were walking thru Sparta Command when Deirdre spotted a makeup compact on the the ground. Upon picking it up and opening it she said "Gee, this woman looks familiar..." With catlike agility, Santiago snatched it from her and looked into it as well, exclaiming "Of course, you idiot, it's ME!"
JAMiAM
Delgath
Morgan and Zakharov were sitting on a bench in a park watching the native wildlife. The ageing Zakharov had an enormous grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" asked Morgan.
"I just broke a mirror!" replied the Provost.
"But that means 7 years bad luck!"
"I know" grinned Zakharov, "Isn't it wonderful."
(WHAT?)
A young man was wandering around The Hive looking for a place to live. Eventually he gave up and began to return to the 4 by 4 cell where he lived.
While walking home he tripped on an old metal food paste can, falling to the ground. Getting up swearing he gave the can an almighty kick, pooping open the lid and spilling out a little blue genie.
"You may have one wish!" said the Genie.
"OK, I'll have a four bedroomed Hive apartment, with a bathroom, kitchen and laundry" replied the young man.
"Son", said the Genie, "If I could get an apartment in the Hive with four bedrooms, a bathroom, kitchen and laundry, Do you think I'd be living in an old food paste can?
-Delgath. UoP.
Where do you want to joke today?
LoD
Zhakarov, Miriam, Lal and Yang were escaping mindworms in a Scout Rover. Unfortunately, after a moment the boil started to gain on them. Zhakarov picked up Miriam and threw her out. The worms stopped and feasted on her for a moment, then resumed the hunt. After several minutes it was 20 meters from the rover. Zhakarov threw out Yang. The worms gobbled up the commie, and restarted their previous task. When they were about 30m from the rover, Zak placed a singularity laser and the rear of the vehicle and annihilated the boil.
"Why didn't you do it the first time?" asked Lal, shocked.
"You're kidding" grinned Zak, picking up a small bottle from a compartment "a hundred* for four?"
*That's 100 ml of vodka
A drunk Zhakarov zigzagging through the corridor, mumbling "A liter* for seven, a liter for seven"
Natalya stops him and asks:
"If that was a liter for seven people, then why are you so drunk?"
"Tthe ottther sssix dddidddn't arrrivve..."
*A liter of you-know-what
LoD
Note: This post does not promote the consumption of alcoholic beverages of any type.
Delgath
Anytime you see a guy open the rover door for his girlfriend either the rover's new, or the girlfriend is
A Morgan juggler was driving to the newest Morgan casino to perform his act when he was pulled over by the police.
"Why do you have all those machetes in the back?" asked the copper.
"I juggle them in my act" replied the juggler.
"Ok then", said the policeman, "Let's see you do it"
The juggler got out of the car and was juggling, whilst another rover passed by.
"Gee", said the passer by, "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"
A man was driving his rover through some bush when he saw a young boy running through the trees with a mind worm boil hot on his heels.
"Quick! Jump in!" said the man bringing the car to a screeching halt.
"Thanks!" said the boy, "Most people don't offer a ride to a boy with a pet mindworm boil"
whirlwind13
Why did Miriam cross the mag tube?
Because +25% don't mean a damn thing when you're fighting with sticks!
(uhmmm...?)
Delgath
Sheng-ji Yang was late for a meeting so he told his stretched rover driver to step on it. The driver refused on the grounds that that would be against the law due to breaking the speed limit. So Yang swapped places with the driver and drove himself.
After a few kilometres, the limo-rover was pulled over by the police. One policeman got out of his car, walked over to the limo, looked in the window and immediatly returned to his car.
"Why didn't you charge that guy?" asked his partner.
"I didn't see who it was but whoever they are, they're far too important. I don't know who it was but Chairman Yang was their chauffeur!"
-Del.
Where do you want to colonize today?
Delgath
Chairman Yang was visiting Morgan Industries when he came across a Hive citizen who had moved to the Morgan city.
- Ahh Comrade! Tell me, you have a job here no? How do these capitalist bosses treat you?
- Well sometimes if you are walking home from work they pick you up in their limousines and drive you home, sometimes they buy you presents and sometimes they take you away for the weekend and make love to you.
- And how many times has this happened to you?
- Well to me never, but to my sister several times.
Delgath.
Where do you want to colonize today?
whirlwind13
Chairman Yang went to visit a Hab Complex in The Hive to see what it was like for the people there. He went up to a man and asked him: "Do you have plenty of nutrients to eat?" "Oh yes" the man said. "Do you have enough energy credits for you and your family?" asked Yang. "Of course" said the man. "Do you have your own rover?" "I have that to, I have everything I ever wanted" replied the man. Then The Chairman asked "Do you know who I am?" The man bluntly replied "You're a Morganite probe team, anyone else would know we don't have ****!"
googlie
If a bucket of cold water can separate two rutting dogs, how do you separate two mating mindworms?
Carefully
Transcendent
Miriam goes to the doctor with a lettuce leaf hanging out of her arse.
"That looks nasty" says the doctor
"That's nothing" says Miriam "that's just the tip of the iceberg"
Delgath
A new Punishment Sphere Youth Containment Hive Operation (P.S.Y.C.H.O. (A Prison)) guard was being led into the jail for his first day.
"Do you think you can handle these drones?" asked the Warden, "They're about as tough as they get"
"No problem" said the guard, "Any trouble and out they go."
One of CEO Morgan's many sons was standing on a street corner selling news disks. "EXTRA! EXTRA! TWO MEN SWINDLED!", he yelled.
A passing man ran up, bought a disk and put it in his player. "Hey Kid! There's nothing in here about 2 men being swindled", he said.
EXTRA! EXTRA! THREE MEN SWINDLED! yelled the child.
-Delgath.
Where do you want to colonize today?
whirlwind13
Miriam decided all of the letters sent within the Habitation Complex's should be done by paper mail, including old-fashioned postage stamps with her face printed on them. She ordered the stamps be made with the finest materials. Soon, however, complaints filted back to Miriam about the quality of the glue on the stamps. An immediate investigation was ordered.
Later a probe team came back and told her "there is nothing wrong with your stamps, the glue sticks fine, the drones were just spitting on the wrong side"
The ArchChancellor
Transcendent
Deirdre went out to her mail box and looked in, closed the door and
went back in the house. A few minutes later she went out and looked
in the mail box again.
She did this several times and her neighbour that was watching her
said, "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way
you keep looking into your mail box".
Deirdre answered "No, I am working on my computer and it keeps
telling me that I have mail."
laurens
While on a date, Morgan decides to kiss Deirdre.
Deirdre: "Oh kissing, that is an interesting phenomenon that occurs in nature. This is an initiating process for sex not only found in homosapiens but also in all heterosapiens, mammals, camels and mindworms alike. Out of 1000 ants observed out a laboratory in Yugoslavia (on old Earth) 90% of them seems to involve in the kissing process but the subsequence is very random with probability 0.672139 that a male ant kisses his female counterpart. First observe the behaviour of ants and cockroaches and isles of the deep under varying conditions. That will be very interesting. Isn't it?
Mr. Morgan has a heart attack.
Delgath
Why did the Gaian fall out of the tree?
Because he was dead.
Why did the second Gaian fall out of a tree?
Because the first one hit it.
Why did the third Gaian fall out of the tree?
Because he thought suicide was the "in" thing.
Why did the morganite die?
Three Gaians fell on his head.
Delgath
Zakharov: What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? Miriam: I don't know and I don't care.
-Delgath.
-Where do you want to colonize today?